How to Start Making Change Everything Seems Overwhelming

Today’s post is a special blog entry from content contributor Gabbie G. We are excited to offer her a safe space to share her recent experiences with a depressive episode, addiction and therapy. We not only love, but admire the strength she displays in her vulnerability. We hope that you can learn something about yourself/others through her experiences.

For the past month or so, I have been in a deep depressive episode. I have been going about my day-to-day life struggling to get out of bed, getting up and immediately counting down the minutes until I can return to my safe place; I cover myself in my weighted blanket and abandon all of my responsibilities. Then, the next day comes and there I am with the same struggle again and again which resulted in me coping with these struggles through the age-old medication, alcohol. 

Drinking only intensified the feelings, making me hate myself even more. It (my addiction), brought me face to face with the same old mistakes. I was and am still trapped in this cycle. But I want to change, I want to be better. I want to be a person that I am proud of; and that was all nice to say and wish for but I realized that now is the time for action, no matter how difficult it might be. With a swift kick in the ass by my therapist and a much needed reality check, I’ve been encouraged to make a plan about how I am going to change and the steps I will take to ensure that change is possible.

The Plan of Action: 

Step 1: Stop drinking. Such a daunting task for a person who seems to think they can willpower it away. Except, it’s difficult. It’s hard when you grew up in a life where alcohol was deemed such a norm; not drinking resulted in questions and judgement. I could go to an AA meeting but that at the age of 21 is a task that I find more daunting than simply stopping the cycle of alcohol abuse I am currently in (not to imply that that would be any easier). 

With that being said, I have purchased a book: The Alcohol Experiment by Annie Grace. It is a 30-day challenge of going alcohol-free and helping me take control of changing my habits. It is filled with daily prompts to reflect on my alcohol consumption and the ways it affects me. I am going to do this challenge the entire month of February and actively write daily reflecting on my struggles and how to overcome this terrible habit I have begun.

Step 2: I have put on weight, 20 pounds to be exact. I lost 30 pounds last year due to diet and exercise and felt amazing, on top of the world. That’s an exaggeration...I felt good and happy I did it but I wanted to lose more and now I’ve put on more weight. I feel like a failure, it's caused me to self-medicate(see above), and I am nowhere close to any of my goals. So, I am going to start tracking my food consumption again. I am currently using the app Noom, to help with this. I am also considering seeing a dietician to hopefully find a solution, or a lifestyle choice that will be sustainable and help me lose and keep off weight. 

Step 3: Focus on myself: I am a person who seeks validation from others, especially from men. It’s led me to do things that make me feel ashamed of myself and it's made me realize that I want better for myself because I deserve it. I am attempting to come up with a new hobby that will help me focus on myself. Maybe writing in a daily journal; maybe I’ll recommit to exercise like I did last year, or maybe it's reconnecting with my family and friends that I feel I have left neglected in my ill-attempted journey for self-improvement and happiness.

I am ultimately writing this not just to show you how difficult it is to change, but how to go about it in a hopefully productive manner. But, I am also doing this for personal accountability. I have learned through the stern words of my therapist, I am more accountable to others than I am to myself. I am also writing this to prove that it is not necessary for change to be an all-or-nothing process. I can and am going to do the little steps, one-at-a-time (or in my case simultaneously). I am also focusing on not getting let down if I slip-up, it’s a journey and I am just at the beginning.