Emptiness Allows for Space to Grow by Gabbie G.
My name is Gabbie and I am empty. Empty? What does empty even mean?
I am filled with thoughts and organs; my body takes action and yet, somehow I am feeling...empty? I mean, sure I struggle to be content from time to time, but I’m 21 and that’s how life is supposed to be right? I’ll admit it, sometimes the slightest annoyance will cause me to have severe angry outbursts! But I’m Italian and Mexican! I was just born with a fiery personality, right? And yes I like to drink alcohol in excessive amounts until I blackout but that is solely because I’m young and still learning my limits! That all has to be true, right?
Nope. Not at all the case. I’m wrong on all counts.
These behaviors and the emptiness I feel inside are ultimately the result of my mental illness. All my life, I thought I was just a cruel person, a “miserable bitch” to be quite honest. I knew I would ultimately be perceived this way and would try to be actively nice or kind to combat that perception. But there was always something standing in the way of it being genuine. I meant well (mostly) but my delivery mostly came off as bitter and insincere. Knowing I’d need a more in depth opportunity for introspection, I chose to pursue regular therapy. The general consensus of these sessions have resulted in the following realizations:
I have no sense of self, I have no sense of self-esteem and therefore I tend to take the negative perspective in all aspects of my life. I self-medicate in the most basic form as possible, through the sweet, sweet release of alcohol. It is during these moments when I am out, chugging booze, having attention on me, any form of attention, I feel full. I feel content. I feel worthy. But when it’s over, I get to wake up the next morning and look at the damage that I have done.
When I wake up though, something is different, and I’m forced to address the things I have left behind in the night (not just the misplaced debit cards or the lost jewelry either). What I wake up missing is the feeling of fulfillment that came after the 10th or 12th drink, after the 4th or 5th shot, after the 3rd or 4th guy who has told me I am beautiful and thus, the subsequent feeling of worthiness. I wake up to the realization that none of that was real, none of that was something I could use to make myself feel better in the long term.
Sure, I have some pretty epic drunk tales but half-the-time I am finding out key details from a secondhand source because I was too blackout drunk to maintain my memory. I hated myself many days after a night of binge-drinking, I hated the person I had become and the way I allowed myself to behave. This realization, being forced to acknowledge the way my unhealthy coping mechanism was making me feel; this was the catalyst to actively seeking ways to better myself. That is when I began my journey through therapy.
While I have only just begun my self-care and self-fulfillment journey, I have seen genuine improvement in how I’m feeling. The key to this has been being consistent with my weekly therapy session where I find that I am able to unload all the things I am feeling, the issues I have been facing throughout my week and I am brought back to reality.
I used to just speak with my mother about all the issues I used to incur; while I love being able to confide in my support system, it is so beneficial to be able to speak to someone who is objective, unbiased and trained to handle what I’m feeling in a way that won’t exacerbate my issues. To never be met with guilt or shame. To never have to feel like I am being judged, to be met without disappointment and without shame. It is honestly an amazing feeling!
I have been doing small things to better myself in this first month of therapy. I have been working on placing boundaries for myself when it comes to going out; I have switched to beer. Though that is not all I can do, (I could learn a limit, I could quit drinking altogether but…) baby steps are a godsend! I have also begun blocking those, (men especially), that have wronged or disrespected me in the past. I’ve learned I deserve better, I want to be better, and I am going to achieve it! It is a work in progress but I am feeling ready for the challenges ahead. I have plenty of room and I am ready to grow!
**We want to thank Gabbie for being brave and courageous enough to be vocal about her struggles and how she is actively overcoming them. There were several important points made in her post:
-Acknowledgement: is only the first step when you're trying to make a change. Although it is a big step, acknowledging your issue has to be followed with a plan of action to achieve attainable goals.
-Therapy: Something we are actively trying to remove the taboo and stigma from. Seeking out a mental health professional who is trained to be unbiased and objective when it comes to your feelings or experiences can really help put a lot of things in perspective.
-Accountability: Gabbie spoke about changing her unhealthy coping mechanisms (binge drinking, seeking out male affirmation) to something that better fit her plan to achieve her goals. She acknowledged that what she was doing was only helping her in the short term, and that to make a more encompassing change, she had to change her actions.
As always, we are here for you. If you enjoyed the article, please comment below or share (and tag us) on your social media to establish a safe and welcoming dialogue. We want to hear from you! We want to help you!
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